Saturday, July 22, 2006

On doubts

Why do people doubt themselves? Is it a self-protection mechanism?

Lately I doubt myself daily. It's not something I ever did, once upon a time, when I was wiser. Lately though, all the time. If I should relent to my doubts, I will fail both myself and the world, and consign to a life of mediocrity. Where is the protection in that? I've long decided that I do not live for that. I live to enrich the world. My avenue is games.

Ah, but there's the problem, you see: I can't much contribute to games. I mentioned earlier that game design is a career. There's 3 problems though:

  1. Designers have paid their dues in another avenue of the industry.
  2. Designers are usually payrolled for a blend of design and other talents.
  3. All the jobs are in California.

For your convenience I've ordered them in descending insurmountability. My main issue is, how do I get in? I've tried and failed to learn to program, I've tried and failed to gain true insight and interest in graphic arts, and I've tried and failed to have the patience for a university degree (more on that another day). I've never been one to be discouraged by failure, but to quote Max Payne, I'm running out of doors here.

Given enough time, the pieces of a pocketwatch - shaken together in a box - tend to miraculously end up a fully assembled pocketwatch. Yet my mind continues to doubt.

A lack of control of one's mind is an intriguing concept. I wonder if it could be transformed into a game mechanic of more depth than existing examples, as per possession or MMORPG crowd control. Maybe a literal switchboard of synapses, resulting in unpredictable reactions to the environment? i.e. A minigame wherein you literally switch the poorly-labelled connections player->enemy and NPC->friend, and presto, you have a squad member.



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